Conversations on menopause are usually led by women but, as Menopause Action Plans are introduced this month with the updating of the Employment Rights Act, it’s essential men get more involved in the conversation.
For this feature, we asked men what they would say to other men about the menopause.
Be sure to read right to the end to find out the biggest, most important piece of hard-won advice men have on this!
Embrace the awkwardness
Campaigner Elliott Rae, Founder of Parenting Out Loud recently ran a webinar for men on the menopause and said one of the “biggest” insights to come out of this was that:
“The conversation about menopause with your partner can be awkward and difficult. But, for women, for the most part, they will really appreciate you being open to the conversation. That means either bringing it up, or going along to a session about it, or just being actively engaged to learn. So the best advice is to step into that awkwardness.”
Kevin Furby, Co-Chair of Specsavers’ menopause colleague network group Menotalk, also urges men to embrace their awkward because it could lead to the best conversation they’ve ever had with their partner; this is feedback he’s got from male colleagues that have joined Specsaver’s menopause group and then broached the tricky topic.
“They’ve seen our videos or articles and then gone home and had a conversation like they’ve never had before,” he says.
Build confidence in men-only spaces
Matt Grisedale, who set up E.ON’s men’s network Mentality when he was Senior People Champion there, believes that these information-gathering spaces are particularly effective if some are men-only on menopause.
Running a webinar for men on the topic proved to him how valuable it can be to “have that conversation with people outside of your relationship where you can ask questions that you wouldn’t ask your wife or partner”.
Contribute to the conversation
Elliot is right when he points out that the conversations on menopause are usually “led by women for women”, which is why it’s important that men who are confident enough visibly take part.
“We need men in the room, and on stage, sharing their experiences and being part of the conversation,” he says.
Kevin agrees, saying “speak up, even if you’re one of the few men in the meeting as it may make a difference you’re not aware of”.
He gives the example of a colleague from an ethnic minority background who contacted him privately after seeing Kevin’s post about International Women’s Day referencing menopause on LinkedIn:
“He said he saw my post and wished he felt confident enough to post like I did but when he went home he showed his friends the post. So you never know how you are helping people. That’s why I do it.”
Take part in campaigns
Another way to be visible is to take part in any awareness campaigns. One of the first bits of content Specsavers created with men in mind was a campaign photographing leaders (men and women) across the business holding an ipad with a symptom of the menopause written on it.
“This worked for men in particular because they were seeing male leaders that they look up to talking about it,” says Kevin. This is important because men tend to be more hierarchical in outlook at work and this is a way of giving them “permission” to speak up themselves.
Don’t take things personally
As for ‘Mr Menopause’ himself (a name colleagues have affectionately given Lecturer Sam Anderson at Borders College, his “biggest takeaway” is “don’t take it [a menopausal woman’s behaviour] personally”.
Interviewees agree that this can be common with men assuming they’ve done something wrong and internalising this self-doubt, which can affect their confidence or trust in the relationship.
Talk to other men honestly about real life situations
That’s one reason that Sam was so motivated to be honest about his experiences and describe real life scenarios – from his partner “threatening me with a fan at 3am” to “raging at the dishwasher beeping” – that other men could recognise and not feel so alone.
He’s written about these in a book aimed at men called “Perimenopause: The A–Z Guide for Us Idiots” in a bid to break the stigma and make the experience relatable. He remembers being “suddenly confused by my fiancee’s behaviour, wondering if it was me and taking constant notes to try and work it out”.
Kevin at Specsavers is also a big advocate of being open and talking about what goes on behind closed doors. He often discloses, to colleagues, how his menopausal partner came very “close to losing her job” and how the change in her “definitely affected [their] relationship”.
Be honest with your kids too
Similarly, he encourages men to be honest and open at home, too, with their children:
“Our son would have been about 13 when my wife was going through it and there was a turning point when she threw off the handle at him. Afterwards she couldn’t understand why she had reacted that way. We sat down with him and explained what was happening for her.”
When engaging male colleagues in conversation, Sam suggests going for a walk, as he does around campus with students and colleagues that want to talk menopause with him. He advises against medical language and jargon when talking to men and keeping it real. And funny, when you can see a funny side.
The most valuable advice for men?
The biggest piece of advice men have for other men when supporting the women in their lives through menopause is: don’t try to fix what she’s going through, just be there for it.
Kevin sums it up:
“Accept and don’t react. And definitely don’t try and take over or mansplain! I had to work against my natural tendency to ask ‘how can I fix this?’ because that’s not what men need to do with the menopause. They don’t need to fix it. They just need to listen, to be there, be supportive and be understanding. That’s the first point I always try to push with other men when I talk to them about the menopause.”
You might also like:
