The life trajectory of women leaves them exposed to larger risks than men, but they are also generally much less prepared for them because they typically have less financial resources. So says Baroness Ros Altmann CBE, a British life peer and UK pensions expert, in the introduction to the Chartered Insurance Institute’s most recent study on ‘Women’s Risks in Life’ (statistics from which are referred to in the interview below).
This is a topic close to the heart of psychologist Susie Giles (pictured above), and it is now her life’s work as Founder of Family Flow, having retrained as a trauma informed ICF Separation, Divorce & Family Wellbeing Coach after her own traumatic experiences.
We spoke to her about the effect of motherhood and divorce on, particularly, a woman’s financial and mental wellbeing, and her thoughts about the role of the employer in supporting employees experiencing hardship as a result.
Your LinkedIn profile says you’re on a mission to “expand awareness of economic risks to mothers”. What does that mean?
We want to raise the profile of the economic risks to women in marriage, so that women, and employers, really understand the risks and how to minimise them. We want to raise women’s confidence in building their own financial independence, so they don’t feel stuck career-wise, or stuck in an unhealthy relationship due to a lack of access to funds.
The average age of a (first) marriage in the UK is 31. It’s tricky to get young female employees, thinking about their wedding day, to also think about the need to safeguard themselves if it all goes pear shaped. How do we encourage them to think about this?
Well, one way I do this is by telling my own story, and talking about what happened to me.
I’d want my 30 year old self to get a bit of a wake-up call! I’m mortified to remember that when I was pregnant with my second child, I had the thought “that’s me off the hook, I don’t have to go back to work now”.
That’s because at that time I thought staying at home with the kids was what I wanted to do, and there was a lot of pressure to do that. But being the parent at home is really hard, and undervalued.
I wish I’d had a guardian angel on my shoulder whispering ‘make sure you’ve got a plan B!’.
Although it may be hard to hear, especially if you’re a woman setting off on the journey of married life full of hope and optimism, there are some harsh realities that need to be addressed. Namely that 63.1% of women in 2021 initiated divorce proceedings, according to the ONS. That’s not to be taken lightly.
If 63.1% are initiating, what’s the percentage of women that want to but can’t because they don’t have the financial resources to do so? Because, make no mistake, divorce is expensive, and living off a single income is hard.
Instead of a guardian angel, I put my trust in my husband, thinking he was the one with the better earning potential, based on the fact he earnt so much more than me and could probably earn what I earnt in a year if he closed a big deal. I decided my greatest contribution to the family machine was to facilitate that.
And presumably you, like many women, looked at the cost of childcare and concluded it would take a big chunk of your salary, so probably not worth it?
Yes! But the maths of motherhood just doesn’t add up. It’s the societal norm to psychologically take the nursery costs out of the mum’s salary. But that doesn’t make sense. It should come out of both parents’ salaries equally. In fact, not equally, it should be weighted according to earnings.
It’s not just about the numbers. Mothers are missing opportunities for promotion, income and pensions, not to mention the huge sense of identity and value that can come from work.
It’s not just about the short term loss of income. It’s about the possibilities in the longer term.
Do you think there are still these motherhood ‘penalties’ for those who choose to go part-time after they have kids, as well as those who give up work?
Yes. There’s huge financial implications here too, such as reduced pension contributions and potential missed promotions. There’s also implications for mothers who choose to work freelance. Yes of course there’s the flexibility and choice advantages, but you’re missing out on pensions and benefits and there’s also the potential for you to still end up the default (she-fault) parent juggling everything.
Can you tell us a bit more about your story please?
Yes. I’m that example of a mother who prioritised her family and her husband’s career because this seemed the most sensible thing to do. I’m now realising, as we divorce, how this decision disadvantages me.
I don’t regret being there for our children but the flipside is that I’m now, basically, starting from scratch at age 47, left with no pension at all, and it’s a very difficult position to be in.
We didn’t have a joint account, so I didn’t have access to the marital funds. Any money I got, was money he transferred. I never knew what he was earning because he was never transparent with me. When I was in his circle of trust, that was fine. But once I stepped out of this, the money stopped. I could have had £20 in my account for me and our three kids, but he wouldn’t give me more.
At one point I said to my lawyer ‘but surely he has to (continue to) give me money?’ but he told me, as there’s no legal agreement in place, he doesn’t. Not until there’s a ruling with the divorce, which could take years.
What I’ve now learnt is this is post separation financial abuse but this is so hard to prove. Even though financial abuse became illegal in 2023 (only then!), I was never going to trot down to my local police station and say ‘my husband won’t give me money’. So you carry on. This type of coercive control is so subtle, so insidious, but sadly much more prevalent than we realise.
So, imagine you have got a young female employee engaged in a conversation about protecting herself financially in future, should her marriage not work out. What would you say to her then?
I’d get her to think together, with her partner, about how they are going to manage the financial side of their marriage, particularly if they are planning to have kids. As well as that, how are they going to manage all the practical sides of running their lives together, like making the dinners and doing the pick ups, etc. So often it’s just assumed that women will take the bigger responsibility for childcare, as well as the hit to their career.
But the person continuing their career is always going to be the person who gets to keep accruing earnings, enjoys raises, enjoys promotion and contributes to a pension pot.
Meanwhile, the person caring for the kids at home making pesto pasta doesn’t get any of these accolades. Quite the opposite in fact!
I’d want her to ask: how am I going to approach my career and my personal life in a way that is balanced that supports me? It’s about maintaining your independence and putting yourself first.
It’s a really healthy conversation for couples to have but, more commonly, we cross our fingers and hope for the best.
If one partner isn’t prepared to be thoroughly transparent about finances then this, I’ve now learnt, should be a huge red flag.
Do you think young women – and men – should be educated about the harsh realities of divorce?
Absolutely, yes. There’s a huge financial education piece that needs to be done, as well as mental health piece. Divorced women are far less resilient to financial risk with a pension pot worth, on average, just a third of divorced men’s. They are also more likely to suffer mental health problems than their male counterparts (65% vs 49%), which makes securing employment harder, especially for older women, especially when they are often still providing the bulk of child care.
Divorce is a traumatic experience, on multiple levels, right up there with death and moving house. In fact, when you’re going through divorce you are probably going through some of the other main stressors, because you’ll probably have to move locations, there’s huge amounts of grief involved and you’ll probably be worse off financially.
The other thing that needs to be talked about more is post-separation abuse, especially financial, which is hugely common. It doesn’t have to be severe for it to have a deep psychological impact.
Often after separation the person who has the financial control in the relationship – usually the man – gains even more control if you haven’t written a pre or post nup. Financial independence gives you power, and a voice.
Why should employers care that their employees are going through divorce?
Quite simply because it’s a matter of supporting gender equality and mental health responsibilities.
Divorce is (usually) traumatic and the trauma deeply affects employees emotionally and psychologically. There can be exhaustion, brain fog and inability to focus, anxiety and depression – all of these, and more, can impact their ability to carry out work efficiently and to the best of their ability, which can have a knock on effect with loss of confidence and social withdrawal. This isn’t in anybody’s interests. It’s a very complex time financially and emotionally.
For women, the key time for divorce often coincides with menopausal symptoms, too. It’s like two horrible worlds collide.
All this means women in particular need extra support from their employers at this tricky time. If employers can provide them with this support, not only will they carry on being productive and loyal, but they will be even more productive because of all the extra headspace freed up.
It’s really important that in this culture obsessed with being ‘always on’ 24/7 that we are realistic and acknowledge that we can’t all be 100% productive all the time.The reality is that, sometimes, employers need to give their employees time, space and grace to work through their life and emotional difficulties to be able to come out the other side, in the right frame of mind to do their best work.
