A friend’s 14 year old daughter told me recently that she felt sorry for the boys in her class because, it seems to her, that they are always being told ‘don’t be this, don’t be that’. In contrast, she said, the message to girls appears to be much more ‘you can be this, you can be that’.
It struck me that she might be onto something that can be applied more generally to society, and workplaces in particular: in the process of empowering women (which I am, by the way, 100% in favour of) we have unintentionally disempowered men. By focusing so much on having women’s voices heard, we have inadvertently made some men feel silenced.
The fact that there are so many more women’s networks than men’s is potential evidence of this. McKinsey & Lean In’s annual ‘Women in the Workplace’ reports, for example, that women’s ERGs are among the most common types of affinity groups. Male networks are much less common and usually framed around allyship or fatherhood, not around consolidating a masculine identity in itself (for inspo on setting up a network, see Active Leeds case study here).
Implications for employers
Of course, there are clear historical, practical reasons for the predominance of women’s networks, like the lack of women in top roles, which continues to be an issue. However, there is growing talk, and evidence of, a ‘crisis of masculinity’ happening today too, particularly amongst younger males.
The fact that the Netflix drama Adolescence quickly became the platform’s second biggest ever English language TV series – beating Stranger Things – showed that this topic is hitting a national nerve. Some employers, like Havas, have even put on lunch and learns on the back of this drama, for concerned employees (see here).
I’ve been researching features on this potential crisis and what it means for employers recently, and I’ve been told repeatedly that there is a reluctance to be seen to publicly celebrate masculinity in the current climate. As my 13 year old son said to me: “mum, why is there girlpower but no one talks about boypower?”
Taboo on male empowerment
He’s right. There’s a taboo around male empowerment.
Even as I write this, the nonplussed faces of my fiercely feminist friends loom large in my mind, disappointed by my line of thought in this article, and my audacity to say these things in a world where destructive, masculine energy is doing such damage.
But, to me, believing in gender equality shouldn’t mean I am not able to celebrate masculinity and masculine traits alongside feminine ones.
That’s why I want to take this opportunity today, the day after Father’s Day, to do just that. I work remotely from home, in the Scottish Highlands, and I share an office with my husband. Over the years, I’ve come to admire some traits he models — ones I’ve found hard to claim for myself.
Masculine traits to celebrate
He asserts his worth without apology, especially when it comes to pay or boundaries. He never gets personal (dare I say emotional?) or worries about what the other person thinks (only what he thinks) and he focuses on the facts.
Similarly, when he observes me not doing this, he has coached me through how to. It’s helped me ask for opportunities I probably wouldn’t have in the past, and let go of ones that aren’t right for me.
By generally seeing things in a more straightforward way than me, he will often look at a situation and cut through my overthinking to the nub of the matter which is often: you need to act. Perhaps this focus on acting, and not overthinking, is why men are more likely to apply for a job they are under-qualified for than women are?
Advocating for others
He uses this same assertiveness to stand up for colleagues and his values. I’ve seen him use his senior position, for example, to advocate for those who are more vulnerable and less confident than him, even when this has led to uncomfortable consequences for him.
As someone who has campaigned for women’s voices to be heard more, and runs a local women’s network, I also want to consider how I may have, myself, contributed to the current problem of disempowering men.
The first thing that springs to mind is the way I have pushed men – both my sons and husband at home, and colleagues at work – to talk about their feelings, assuming this is for the best.
Shoulder-to-shoulder
I’ve often tried to look into their eyes to get those clues to what might be going on under the surface. But, despite all the energy put into mental health campaigns around talking, it seems sometimes for men it’s not good to talk.
Sometimes, as the theme for Men’s Health Week last week said, it’s best just to stand next to them ‘shoulder to shoulder’ without putting that added pressure on them. As mums and wives and sisters and bosses who care for our men – I think we can often add an urgency that makes a situation worse.
Perhaps it’s about showing solidarity and not telling them – as my friend’s 14 year old daughter said at the start of this article – how they should be. Perhaps it’s just letting them be, while being with them.
Creating spaces
And perhaps in workplaces, this means not forcing them into rooms to talk about their troubles, or picking up the phone to a counsellor or ERG, if that doesn’t feel right to them. Instead, perhaps, it’s creating spaces where this can unfold over time – maybe a long time, and longer than the females in their lives would like.
Certainly, that’s the ethos around successful groups like Men’s Sheds, which focus on an activity which men can get their hands on, often community-improvement related, rather than an overtly therapeutic situation. Or using sport as an ‘in’. In both cases there’s a positive purpose and a chance to contribute to something bigger than themselves and their problems at that moment.
Another realisation that struck me is that when our men finally pluck up the courage to speak to us, and be vulnerable, I’m not sure our (my) reaction has always been helpful. My husband has unwaveringly supported me through several periods of mental ill health. But, if I’m completely honest, I’m not sure how I would react if he came down with a bout of anxiety and depression himself.
Women struggle with male vulnerability
I have a horrible feeling that part of me would struggle with it, even though intellectually I understand that we need to give our men permission to be vulnerable. I’m not alone. Social researcher Brené Brown has found this to be a common thread with women; that when men express vulnerability, women often react with discomfort, fear or even rejection.
Of course these, often unconscious, responses are explainable with Brown largely putting them down to social conditioning, societal expectations and the fact women already do the majority of the emotional labour, so worry a man’s vulnerability will lead to more.
Regardless of the reasons, it’s incumbent on us – the people who care about the men in our lives and workplaces – to find better ways to deal with our biases.
Saving face; avoiding shame
A friend of mine who is a counsellor says the vast majority of her clients are male, in middle age and suffering from loneliness. Their main fear of opening up to others is that they will ‘be seen as weak and then mollycoddled, the thought of which they cannot abide’. For some, this itself is such a painful outcome that they would rather avoid the shame of it via suicide.
She suggests that one thing we can do is what we often plead for men to do with us as women; just listen, don’t try and fix or – crucially – don’t judge.
And don’t, whatever you do, look at them with pity.
Saving face is crucial for men – especially in front of their loved ones and people they respect. If we want them to drop the mask, we must help them feel safe to do so — not exposed, not belittled, not broken. Because when that mask goes back on, that’s when the real trouble begins.
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