*Please note that this article is part of our World Suicide Prevention Day (today, 10th September) coverage and, as such, it covers potentially triggering content about suicide. While a difficult, sensitive topic, we feel it is very important to write about it to take away the shame that often surrounds it, which often keeps men in particular silent about how they feel (as this case study explains). This year’s theme for WSPD is ‘changing the narrative’ and starting open conversations about suicide, which is all too common; a mission we hope to support through articles like this.
The number of people dying by suicide is rising across the UK, according to the latest statistics published by the Samaritans (source: Office of National Statistics, 2023). Men remain three times as likely to die by suicide than females, with males aged 45-49 found to have the highest suicide rate in England.
Given these worrying numbers, to mark World Suicide Prevention Day we spoke to a man who has attempted to take his own life three times, the final time when he was aged 49. Steve Whittle now dedicates his life to helping prevent suicide in other men like himself, founding the charity Tough to Talk which works with individuals and organisations.
We asked him to share his story with us to shed light on the reasons behind the high rate of male suicide and what he believes can help reduce the tragedy happening.
His story, in his words:
“Those who attempt suicide once are then more than three times likely to be at risk of dying by suicide. I know this statistic from firsthand experience. My first suicide attempt turned into a second. Then a third.
I’m so grateful my attempts were unsuccessful and I’m here to tell you the tale, on World Suicide Prevention Day, of how it came to be that I now work in suicide prevention.
I joined the Navy when I was 17 and spent half my time travelling around the world getting extraordinarily drunk in exotic places. It may sound good to some, but I was drinking to excess because I didn’t feel good in myself.
When I wasn’t doing that, I was chasing wars, trying to blow things up to get medals and, of course, do my bit for my country.
Knowing I could end my life was a comfort
It was during my time in the Navy that I made my first suicide attempt by trying to drown myself while on exercise. I was reassured that the Navy could record it as an accident. I think I found it comforting that whether I lived, or died, it was something in my control.
But it turns out I couldn’t even get that right because my attempt failed. I didn’t tell a soul. I just felt full of shame and guilt. I now know, through interviewing thousands of men, that this silence through shame is really common.
The second time I tried to take my life was the same; I didn’t tell anyone.
Then I turned 49; an extremely vulnerable age for men regarding suicide, as I now know, but didn’t back then. To an outsider looking in, I had everything, quite the Instagrammable life: a great girlfriend, a lovely dog, a close family, an amazing job…
You’re not alone, it’s OK
But I was severely depressed and I also – unbeknownst to me – had complex PTSD from a childhood trauma that I hadn’t dealt with.
After my third attempt at suicide, I remember the crisis team saying to me “you’re not alone, it’s OK, lots of men feel like this”. I thought to myself ‘this is bullshit, because i know thousands of men and not one of them is telling me that they feel like I do’.
However, this third attempt was different. I actually told someone. My boss.
Opening up to my boss
After I told her, she said she needed to meet with me. She sat me down and I thought I was about to get fired. I found myself trying to defend myself saying things like “I know I’ve not been on form, but I can improve”. She let me talk myself out. Then she said “we’re worried about you” to which I said “I’m fine, I’m fine”.
“We can’t leave this conversation until we find out what is happening, as you’re not fine”, she replied. At which point my words came out of my mouth like bullets out of a machine gun and I just fired out all the crap that I was feeling. I have never felt more weak or more terrified in my entire life.
But she just said:
“Thank you for telling me. What you’re going through is real and I want to help you.”
I was not expecting that.
Men’s biggest fears
And I now know this is one of the biggest fears men have; they believe when they show vulnerability that someone is going to take something from them, or going to do something to them. Will they get passed over for promotion? Are the team going to dismiss them on the next project? Is someone going to take my job?
Yes, this might be their perception rather than their reality but it’s why very few men will walk through a door and open their heart just because their line manager says they have an ‘open door policy’.
It’s not until I actually told someone that I realised that, actually, good things could happen from this. I started getting the help I needed. I got diagnosed with several things, such as ADHD, depression and PTSD, which explained a lot, and I now have counselling and medication to help me with my recovery.
Tackling the thoughts behind suicide
After my experiences I started researching suicide and how it affects men and I noticed the stark differences between how men and women deal with it, and how men respond to support differently. I founded the charity Tough to Talk which is aimed at preventing suicide in male-centric spaces.
We are tackling the space behind those initial thoughts of suicide. Sometimes you can spot men at risk because they’re using alcohol, or drugs or risk taking behaviour to avoid their issues.
But sometimes it’s less obvious. And this is what we really want to address because for 80% of male suicides, friends and family say “we never saw it coming”.
‘We never saw it coming’
We train our male influencers to observe the people around them and pick up on if something makes them wince. What I mean by this is something that doesn’t quite add up. For instance, you might have a man who comes into work who has been on a four day drinking binge, but in the previous months he’s been a triathlete focused on competing.
We specialise in developing men’s skills at being able to see through things like this when they’re happening and create safe spaces where they listen.
We also teach them about the importance of demonstrating vulnerability and that the best way to do this is to share a bit about themselves. The real message we want to get across to men is that it’s OK to be masculine and it’s OK to be vulnerable, the two are not mutually exclusive.
Preserving masculinity
Preserving masculinity is so important, which is why we unashamedly use a masculine tone of voice in our language.
Identity is also crucial. When life starts to fall apart, and identities are in jeopardy, that’s when men tend to spiral out of control. Events like a partner leaving a man or the loss of a job potentially make men feel less valued and less purposeful.
There’s so much pressure put on men to be the provider and the burden of this pressure was really evident in all the case studies I interviewed for our new book. The same familiar cycle of thoughts kept appearing, such as: I’ve lost my job; I’m not adding any value to my family or those around me; I’m actually detracting for those around me because of my mood; they’d be better off without me.
Why ‘think about your kids’ doesn’t help
This is why – often – saying to a suicidal man ‘think about your wife, think about your kids’ doesn’t help. They think they are thinking of what’s best for them. They don’t think they are being selfish; they think they are being selfless.
Social media, filled with images of the ‘ideal man’, doesn’t help either. There are so many unrealistic expectations of men.
Something we’ve found that does help men is journaling.
We’ve been trialling leader-led journalling for young men, to help them get their thoughts down on paper. The results have been truly amazing. At first they focused on all the things going wrong in their lives, then the facilitator encouraged them to write about the good things too. This leader would help them to see the good things they were achieving as, it turns out, many of them didn’t recognise these. Over three months their confidence built and there was a clear shift in their thought process, their value and purpose.
Proactively tackling the root cause
We believe Tough To Talk is unique – we’re not just addressing the male suicide crisis reactively and using interventions. Instead, we’re proactively tackling the root causes that lead to thoughts of suicide using influence in male-centric spaces. By influencing change, we aim to stop men from ever reaching that dark point where suicide seems like the only way out.
If we’re dealing with a suicide intervention, we’ve failed.”
*If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out for support either by, in an emergency, calling 999, or by contacting a confidential help line/chat services which are there to help you, such as:
- Samaritans – a listening service which is open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk.
- Papyrus (HOPELINKUK)– a 24/7 confidential service available to anybody under the age of 35 experiencing suicidal thoughts, or anybody concerned that a young person could be thinking of suicide.
- Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – CALM’s confidential helpline and live chat are open from 5pm to midnight every day.
- Shout – a free confidential 24/7 text service offering support if you’re in crisis and need immediate help.
To read about this topic further:
