‘Workers should be given two weeks off work for their bereavement. They should still be paid while they are away. This leave should cover bereavement of close relationships this could be family, a friend, someone you know well’. UK Commission on Bereavement 2022
The Commission also reported:
- 33% of respondents wanted to access bereavement services but indicated no support was available.
- 37% said they didn’t know how to access support.
- Over 40% of those who wanted formal bereavement support did not get any.
Good grief support
I spend my days with organisations who really care and their members of staff who are fully supported in grief. The reason I am brought in to talk with them, is that they are willing to go the extra mile for their people, in order not to lose them and to mitigate the impact on the wider teams around them.
An astonishing number of my private clients have actually left their companies and moved elsewhere, due to the lack of support they experienced through bereavement. It is easier for them to start again where their grief is not known and they are not met by silence.
Surely this is a minority issue?
You may think we’re talking about a small number of people living with grief in any company, but UK National bereavement charity Cruse, estimates that for each death six people experience intense grief.
While for some bereavements the period of grieving may be very brief; losing a close friend, partner or member of the family can have a deep impact, both physically, and psychologically. Taking into account the number of deaths in the UK each year, and employment rates, bereavement causes nearly two million working people to suffer from intense grief each year, alongside those still grieving from a bereavement in previous years.
Grief and loss affect us all. When we go through a major bereavement, serious diagnosis, divorce or a major break up, or workplace change; our axis shifts in the world we know and we somehow have to find the strength to learn to live and work again when everything around us feels altered.
It is understandable that Leaders avoid the topic of grief – I have heard many times that they feel opening up a discussion will derail staff and prevent them from working! My discoveries over the last 24 years of working in this field are entirely different.
How long is long enough?
Firstly there can be no one size fits all. Whilst we ideally need guidelines on a minimum offering (it is now 2 weeks legal requirement for a bereaved parent who fits certain criteria but there is no legal requirement for any other category of bereavement), Management and HR Teams need to be well educated in having the difficult conversations.
They need to find out about the loss, dig deep and find out exactly what is needed; to understand that many staff want to be at work, for fear of losing their job, and also because it offers community, purpose and structure, a focus and diversion for their grieving brains. But they will need support.
Some companies have a longer offering (even up to six months) and regret having that because they feel people are ‘taking advantage of it’.
But unless managers and HR teams are prepared to be face to face with someone to have a conversation about their grief, with knowledge and empathy, they will not be able to gauge what is the right amount of time for that person and how to ease them back into work in the right way.
It is all down to good communication and grief education.
Case study:
I was approached by one Head of HR, who was worried about a member of staff who had not taken enough time off and they felt the person was struggling. They urged them to take a month off and brought me in.
When I undertook a couple of support sessions with the member of staff, and addressed the work issue, they didn’t want to take that much time because work offered structure, purpose and a framework on which to start to rebuild a broken life. They were also worried about losing their job, their clients and letting their team down. So together we looked at what might help.
It turned out they had a house to clear and a lot of ‘sadmin’ to do but in their current mental state it clearly wasn’t a good idea to go to the house alone. Friends had offered help which had not yet been accepted. So I suggested that they ask each friend who had offered support to take a day off work. And every other week on 6 occasions, they had a Friday as compassionate leave.
By taking a friend each time, the house was gradually cleared, and an immense pressure was both shared and lifted. The team around the member of staff were happy, as were their clients and it was an easy solution. That alone eased this person’s life and it was as simple as that; talking about it and working out what was actually needed. And a month’s compassionate leave became 6 days!
What can we do?
In the workplace, the most powerful form of support is checking in. Having a grief ally is a good idea, to check in over the weeks, months and years following the loss, and find out how they are doing ‘today’, perhaps using a score of 10.
It might be 2 on one day because they have been particularly triggered by something, or they have experienced the first time of doing something in the first year. Another day, for no reason at all, they may feel stronger. Grief ebbs and flows, it is non-linear and messy.
Help should be on offer too in the form of tailor made grief guidance – not an inexperienced person asking questions from a checklist – which is something I keep hearing from my clients! They need a therapist or coach with expertise in managing grief.
The companies I work with tend to offer three sessions paid for by the company and those can take place when the individual feels ready. If they would like to carry on with support, I talk with the HR or People Team to see if they can offer more, or the individual can carry on seeing me privately. For a loss such as a partner or child, more sessions might be needed. I am often called for a top-up session, usually when a birthday or anniversary is approaching.
By offering grief education we can address all staff, initially in the form of a ‘Lunch and Learn’ style talk covering topics such as the physical effects of grief, language around loss, time passing, continuing bonds not closure, having a good grief toolkit and opening up conversation. I also host panels for organisations with staff sharing their personal stories; what has helped them and what hasn’t. How it has been for them going back to work. These panels and talks act as a powerful bridge for others to know they can access help and to open up healthy conversations, promoting a feeling of community and belonging at work.
Note: National Grief Awareness Week is 2nd to 8th December 2024 and offers a useful way for companies to open up the topic of grief with their staff.
About the author:
Lizzie Pickering is a Speaker, Grief Investigator, Author and Film Producer. She offers Grief Guidance to organisations and individuals, educating people about grief and helping them back to life and work following major losses, from bereavement, to diagnosis, divorce and workplace change. Her book When Grief Equals Love is available from bookshops, plus Kindle, Audible and other listening platforms.
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