“It’s a really hard time to be a young man.”
And this comes from a woman: Amy O’Connor, Global Lead, Policy and Advocacy at Movember, the men’s health charity.
Why?
Because modern male identity insecurities are rife, with men finding themselves in a digitally driven, polarised society.
O’Connor explains:
“Our research shows there is a perception gap between who they are and what they see as acceptable in society. So, too often, the options appear for them to be either staunchly progressive and almost feminine – think actor Benedict Cumberbatch or pop star Harry Styles – or hyper masculine as personified by the likes of social media influencer Andrew Tate. A lot of the men we researched felt they didn’t resonate with either. They didn’t feel there was enough people out there reflecting how they felt about their masculinity, no grey in the middle.”
The consequence of this lack of role models means men feel rudderless, at sea, a feeling which could easily detrimentally affect their mental health. Not only that, forced into one of ‘two camps’ (as they see it) they don’t feel able to be themselves which means, says O’Connor, they often hold more progressive views that they show, but mask them because they feel this doesn’t fit with what society expects of them.
Women have a broader definition of what femininity can mean largely thanks to “girl powered” movements, like the body positive revolution where influencers have called out the picture perfect, filtered images as unrealistic and psychologically unhelpful.
With men, however, it’s very easy to fall into stereotypes and blanket generalisations that make the problem worse. That’s why for this feature – which publishes just a few days after World Suicide Prevention Day – we are addressing these ‘Male Myths’ head on. If we can, as a society, broaden the definition of what it means to be a man in the modern world, then hopefully we can lower the male suicide rate, which is currently the biggest killer of men under 45.
Myth: masculinity is toxic
The extent to which the term ‘toxic masculinity’ has been used so casually has had a damaging effect on men’s confidence in owning their masculinity, for fear of being shamed for it.
In fact, some men feel (and I write as a mother of two teenage boys who have both expressed this to me) that the word ‘masculinity’ itself has now been tinged by the same toxic brush and carries negative connotations on its own.
But showing masculine traits like physical strength or assertive leadership is not toxic. Because it is so unhelpful, Movember actually refuses to use the term ‘toxic masculinity’, though is acutely aware of the potentially damaging discourse in some pockets of society.
“We need to understand the roles of gender norms and the role that masculinity plays in men’s engagement with their health. We need to understand and reflect the full range of masculine norms and use them to help men in a positive way,” says O’Connor.
Benjamin Davies, Wellness Coach who coaches men to find “real belonging and happiness”, goes further than this saying that men need to “reclaim what it means to be a man in its most authentic form – strong, protective, competitive, risk-taking and ambitious – but also to balance those masculine traits with feminines ones we’ve neglected”.
Corporations can help by providing alternative, positive role models within companies. As Shamira Graham, Chief Commercial Officer at Onebright and CBT Therapist, says:
“Modelling positive behaviour around mental health within corporations is invaluable too; observable behaviour amongst senior leaders can influence culture significantly more than a policy. Sharing stories of mental health, how to seek help and personal stories of recovery are so powerful and can be transformative in organisations.”
Myth: men don’t talk about their feelings
“What I’ve learned since joining Movember is that men really want to talk,” says O’Connor. “They really want to engage, and anyone who works in health knows this. If you get a focus group of men together to talk about their health, then your biggest issue is trying to keep to time! Men want to learn and they want to share.”
So where has this myth originated from?
Probably the fact that women more readily share their feelings in a range of environments (again, an overgeneralisation, but bear with me!) whereas creating the right environment is crucial for men to feel comfortable to do this.
O’Connor says that showing men you are “ready to listen” is also crucial. So too is the language you use and the physical set-up of the space; men are less likely to respond well to being asked to come to a conference-style meeting to talk about their feelings; and are more likely to respond well if there is an activity to do and conversation is a byproduct, such as a walk where they can stand shoulder to shoulder, not face to face which is more intense.
O’Connor cites one of Movember’s most successful funded programmes engaging men as ‘Offload in the Workplace’, which uses rugby league as an entry point to talk about mental health via the charity partner Rugby League Cares. But rather than mental health, it talks about “mental fitness” and it uses the lived experience of rugby league players to share tools and techniques to address mental resilience.
“Sport has been a real focus area for Movember, and a real opportunity to have those conversations at the same time. It’s about using places where we know men are, they’re comfortable in, is a good setting to reach them with health literacy information,” says O’Connor.
Myth: men can’t be bothered to go to the doctor
Yes, it’s true that men go to the doctor less. Nearly a half (48%) of men who screened positive for either depression or anxiety, for example, had not yet spoken to a relevant healthcare professional, according to All Worked Up research, by mental health app Wysa.
But it’s not because they’re lazy, or don’t care about their health.
According to All Worked Up, of the men who screened positively for moderate to severe depression or anxiety symptoms, 1 in 3 hadn’t reached out for support because they didn’t think their symptoms were serious enough. Stigma is also an issue regarding mental health, with 1 in 3 men who would be recommended for treatment saying they were embarrassed.
Clinically-led consultuancy Smart About Health’s Dr Laura David, CEO and founder, who has a GP background, believes that the reason that men don’t go to the doctor as readily is actually systemic: they have much less natural contact with healthcare professionals than women who tend to build up closer, more confident relationships with them.
For instance, a woman is potentially in contact with healthcare professionals regularly throughout her lifecycle from her teenage years about menstruation, then contraception, smear tests, family planning, child-related appointments and menopause. A man, by contrast, is much more likely just to encounter healthcare services because of a crisis, which is not an ideal time to build up a relationship.
“Women have many more opportunities for contact whereas men just don’t. There has to be a different healthcare approach for men,” says Smart About Health’s Dr David.
O’Connor agrees, and Movember is lobbying hard for a Men’s Health Strategy. Its recent report ‘The Real Face of Men’s Health’ found that the thing men are looking for most in their healthcare professional is to be listened to.
“When they have a great first encounter and they feel like they’ve been listened to, heard and responded to, they stay in the system,” she says. “But when they feel like they’ve been dismissed, or gender stereotypes have been at play, then it’s very easy for them to drop out of the system. It’s not as simple as saying ‘men don’t ask for help’.”
Myth: men don’t get postnatal depression
Related to the previous myth, men often get totally overlooked in terms of their mental health when a baby is born. The predominant focus is on the mum, which means men at risk often get missed.
When she was a GP, Dr David said she could “count on one hand” the number of men who attended postnatal parental checks with their partner.
“So there isn’t the opportunity for new dads to express themselves even though, often, they are also going through challenge to their identity at this time, when their relationship with their partner is changing as well as perhaps their relationship with their own masculinity.”
The problem is, she says, men who do experience feelings of depression after a baby arrives often think “I shouldn’t be feeling this way” and “so they don’t report it”. Dr David talks from experience as she herself experienced postnatal depression, and her husband also struggled with his mental health at this time, too.
She believes corporations could play a positive role here by checking in on employees that are new dads postnatally and offering support, such as an outlet to express themselves and realise they are not alone and this is more common than they might think.
Myth: the healthcare system is built around men as the default, with women at a disadvantage
There has – thankfully – been widespread acknowledgement in recent years that, as Caroline Criado Perez exposes in her book Invisible Women, the healthcare system is biased because it’s built on data pertaining to men. An example, she gives the stark differences in how men and women can experience heart attacks, with women often presenting with less commonly known symptoms such as a subtle, rather than sharp, pressure in the chest.
However, as O’Connor takes pains to point out, this is not about pitting men against women. In fact, quite the reverse, because male and female health are closely linked:
“Yes, the healthcare system doesn’t work for women in parts. And it also doesn’t work for men in parts. In different ways. So it’s about understanding both and the need for a gender responsive system. We’re not trying to take away from the work being done in women’s health. We’re trying to add to the work that’s being done in gendered health.”
The other way that men and women’s health are intrinsically linked is that often women end up being the main carers for male family members, having a detrimental effect on the workforce as they reduce their hours, or stop working completely. This can also have a negative effect on both female mental health and financial wellbeing.
Myth: men aren’t fussed about friendships
Numerous research studies have now shown how beneficial close relationships are to good mental health and the danger to wellbeing of loneliness.
But in today’s modern, digital-driven world “we’ve forgotten the value and the benefit of deep, meaningful friendship and it’s literally killing us, especially men”, says Wellness Coach for men Benjamin Davies.
He points to the decline in religion, too, affecting male friendships. When considering in particular the high male suicide rate, he doesn’t understand why “no one is talking about friendship”.
For him, part of the problem is the definition of a friend which omits the importance of “consistency, service, positivity and love”.
Yes, love.
“Men struggle to say ‘I love you’ to their best mates without it being awkward because we’ve been taught that showing our feelings is for sissies or something that’s reserved for our partners. That’s rubbish,” says Davies.
You may think that workplaces are no place to talk about love, but some would also say that that’s “rubbish” in 2024. Like entrepreneur at The Change Maker Group, Simon Phillips, who believes “the word love does belong in the workplace, especially with Gen Z and millennials”:
“People will often say what has love got to do with work but when you replace fear with love, you start to see leaders caring for people, nurturing talent and supporting staff when they face challenging circumstances. When you break down what ‘love’ actually means for workplaces, it starts to make sense. It means care, compassion, empathy and treating people fairly.”
For help on starting conversations with men who are struggling, see Movember’s ‘Tackle Important Conversations’ and ‘Spot the Signs’.
