Tackling conflicts head-on is basic to avoid being taken hostage. When we do not address a problem and take action to solve it, due to passivity or the inability to make a clear choice, we are acting like a hostage.
When we have a hostage mind-set, we come to believe in the mind’s eye that a problem cannot be solved and so, interestingly enough, find ways not to solve it.
But, in fact, the opposite is possible: learning to enjoy solving conflicts is a possibility for everyone.
Maintaining the bond through conflict
A secret of successful conflict resolution is the ability to continually maintain the bond and to re-bond when a bond is broken too quickly, for whatever reason.
Taking a positive approach to conflict involves understanding that bonding is fundamental to any resolution. Being curious and creative, and searching for compromise and cooperation, have their own rewards.
The manifestations of conflict are many, yet the principles for resolving conflict are simple.
Understanding and knowing the complexity of conflict and, at the same time, understanding its simplicity is an essential mind-set that we have observed in great peacemakers, mediators, and hostage negotiators.
It can be dangerous to see only complexity or only simplicity. Managing this paradox is the dilemma in every conflict situation.
4 Fundamental principles
As used by hostage negotiators, there are four fundamental principles to resolve conflict successfully:
1. Never create an enemy
Transform adversaries into allies and partners. This is a fundamental principle of transactional analysis, as expressed in Eric Berne’s phrase “I’m OK, you’re OK.”
This idea is both a central truth and a fundamental tool in communicating mutual respect, positive regard, and cooperation. Every transaction must carry the power of this message – even when using strong, limit-setting boundaries, referred to as “tough love.”
2. The person is never the problem
Separate the person from the problem and focus on the issues to be resolved, not the individual.
This is a basic principle to avoid escalations in the conflict-resolution process. It can be counterintuitive because our culture promotes the “demonising” of individuals in the political and religious arena, in children’s literature, and in Hollywood films.
It is hardly surprising then that we tend to personalise a conflict at work or at home, unless we have learned another model from strong secure bases.
Often, the thinking is that if only we can get rid of the person, then everything will be okay. This is a mind-set challenge and, once mastered, will prevent us from being taken hostage in the emotions of a conflict.
It is all too easy to view someone who is different from us in any way – be it appearance, language,culture, attitude, or approach – as a potential threat or enemy.
This is a poor base for dialogue and is likely to lead to an emotional standoff.
As our businesses are increasingly global and our workplaces and cities become more and more diverse, the possibilities for misunderstanding are immense. It is easy for a person to feel attacked or threatened, and therefore every effort must be made to separate the person from the problem.
3. Maintain a sincere desire to help the other person get what they want or need
It is all too easy to become hostages to ourselves by overemphasising what we want without first communicating a sincere and authentic desire to help the other.
We must maintain the bond with the other person in every transaction, verbal and nonverbal, by showing interest in what they want as well as what we want. Saying no, or putting the fish on the table, can be done as part of showing interest in the other person’s wants or needs.
Sometimes the underlying battle in the conflict is to get the detached manager to show appropriate and authentic interest in the wellbeing of team members.
The independent loners must learn to bond and show interest in people if they want to become effective leaders.
4. Never be hijacked by attacks and intense emotions
Never take aggressive words or actions personally.
Keep your thoughts clear and never lose sight of the goal.
When you feel like withdrawing or attacking someone, quickly cancel that thought in your mind’s eye and replace it with a desire to help or a desire to carry on in your personal or professional role. Have you ever done or said something that you regretted later?
You were quite simply taken hostage.
About the author
Professor George Kohlrieser, is Professor of Leadership and Organisational Behaviour at the International Institute for Management Development (IMD). He is co-author, with Andrew Kohlrieser, of Hostage at the Table (2nd edition), and this article is adapted from an extract of this book about ‘Forming bonds in high pressure environments’.
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